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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956890">Deep End</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/samscait/pseuds/samscait'>samscait</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outlander (TV), Outlander (TV) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional SamCait, F/M, I'm Sorry I Know It Hurts, NSFW at some point I think, Outlander RPF - Freeform, Pain, Remarkable Weekend, Samcait - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:49:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956890</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/samscait/pseuds/samscait</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>It was a remarkable weekend. Need I say more?</p>
</div>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caitriona Balfe &amp; Sam Heughan, Caitriona Balfe/Sam Heughan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>85</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 'Cause In My Head I Do Everything Right</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>So... this is something that i've been writing for a while now. It's been a cathartic release for me, in more ways that one, and I've come back to it every now and then. Some of it has been pulled from my life experiences, and some of it has been pulled from things that we've seen and heard through SC, and some of it is fictional (well... aLl oF iT is FiCtiOnAl). Regardless, I've enjoyed writing it and I hope I can see it through to the end! &lt;3</p>
  <p>Ps. This is painful. Buckle up.</p>
</div>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>His voice was merely a whisper. “Cait–” He cleared his throat. “Caitriona.”</p><p>Frozen on the steps to my trailer, I looked through blurry tear-filled eyes at the glass screen in front of me to see the reflection of Sam standing behind me. I felt my heart jump. He came after me.</p><p>“You’re making a mistake and ye damn well know it,” he said, his voice with more conviction now.</p><p>We stood in between the trailers. Between our trailers. They stood next to each other, just as they always had for the past 5 years. I suddenly wondered how that would change. How everything would change. Our dynamic, our relationship, our trailers standing next to each other. Would our friendship survive this? Would our chemistry survive this? Was I wrecking everything? Wasn’t our guard built around not wrecking what we have? My thoughts were running rampant and I suddenly needed to get a grip.</p><p>I looked down at my hands that had begun to tremble, and slowly turned around. Deep breath in, deep breath out.</p><p>I lifted my eyes and there he was.. bathed in the golden sunlight. It beamed off of him. A metaphor for how bloody good he was, I thought. God, he was so good. Sculpted and put here on this earth, with his heart wide open and on his sleeve. Was he sent for me? Are we meant to be together? This is rare, right? To share the thing that we have shared. Was I fucking this all up? Realization hit, and it was in that moment that I felt my heart break, sinking into the pit of my stomach. My heart was racing, and I knew that if I got any closer to him, I wouldn’t be able to deny him. To deny all the feelings that I had been pushing to the side for the past 5 years. Feelings that I refused to acknowledge, or maybe I just didn’t recognize the depth of, if I was being honest. But here they were, all bubbling to the surface now.</p><p>A single tear slid down my cheek and I batted it away fast, as if he couldn’t have seen it fall.</p><p>I closed my eyes, fearing that if I looked into his fathomless blue eyes, the dam would break. And this time I wouldn’t be able to stop it. I opened my mouth, but closed it again immediately when the words didn’t come out. I couldn’t let them. Maybe I had more unconscious control of myself then I realized. I opened my watery eyes to see my pain mirrored on his face, and immediately turned around to face the door again.</p><p>I heard him move forward and felt his breath close to my ear as I reached for the door handle. I imagined his warm hands making contact with my skin. I knew he wanted to comfort me. Wrap me in his arms and calm me like he had so many times before.</p><p>“Don’t.” I said with a growl, and squeezed my eyes shut. Better to be unforgivably rude anyway, I thought to myself. If he can’t forgive you for the way you are acting, this cycle will stop. I wanted to hurt him.</p><p>Lost in my thoughts, a tear slipped out. Followed by another. And another. I gasped for air and let out a whimper. He was still standing there. Frozen. Dammit, Balfe. Pull it the fuck together. Don’t let him see you waver. I lifted my chin, and opened the door.</p><p>“Don’t you have another blonde bunny to go fuck?” I bit out, and continued inside, slamming the door in his face.</p><p>And then I slid down to the floor, and fell apart.</p><p>I cried so hard that no sound came out. My stomach pulled tight and my lungs were gasping for air. I clutched my hands tight over my heart and let myself fall into a heap on the floor. The tile was cold under my cheek and I tried to focus on it. I tried to focus on anything other than the pain that was rippling through me. I closed my eyes and let the sobs roll through me, as I watched the supercut of memories play through my mind.</p><p>
  <em>Walking through Hyde Park and laughing at our ridiculous perms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Giggling into Sam’s chest as we stood in front of the cameras at Paleyfest, and whispering “you’re my favorite husband,” for just him to hear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Teasing each other as we toured Laphroaig with the taste of whisky on our lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sam turning to me at Comic-Con. “I would do anything for you,” he said with a soft smile, as he pulled me into him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sparks that flew on the first day we met as we performed our first screen test.</em>
</p><p>I must have dozed off, because I was startled awake by banging on my trailer door.</p><p>“Caitriona! Are you okay? I’ve been knocking and calling you for the past 10 minutes.”</p><p>I jumped up frantically and looked into the mirror. I was wrecked. I wiped my eyes and gave myself another once over before turning to unlock the door.</p><p>“Caitriona? Hello! Why is the door locked–”</p><p>“Hi,” I said, swinging the door open and cutting Amy short. “Sorry. I was drained after that last scene. I fell asleep.”</p><p>“Okay…” she replied, giving me a questionable look that told me she was less than convinced. “Let’s just get this wig and makeup off, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” I said, moving to sit down in front of the mirror.</p><p>She began unpinning the wig and I lost focus as I nervously began picking at my lower lip.</p><p>“I hear you’re off to Somerset this weekend! I hope the rain holds off a bit longer.”</p><p>She lifted the wig off. We sat in silence for a few moments, as she poured some alcohol onto a cotton swab and began dissolving the bald cap.</p><p>“The team is just over the moon for you, Caitriona. Truly. You and Tony deserve every happiness.”</p><p>“What?” I said, looking up at Amy’s face.</p><p>“Hello! Earth to Caitriona! The wedding this weekend. I’m trying to congratulate you since I won’t see you all weekend, you goof.”</p><p>Ouch. I steeled myself. Plastering on the most genuine smile I could muster, as the pain bloomed in my chest. It was consuming me. I needed out before my face betrayed me.</p><p>“Thank you, Amy. We’re thrilled.” I widened my smile as tears filled my eyes.</p><p>“Oh my god, look at you. Don’t you go gettin’ all sappy on me!” She stated as she playfully swatted at my shoulder.</p><p>“I just…” I paused for a moment, searching for what I wanted to say. “I just never thought this day would come,” I finished. Swallowing hard, I blinked back my tears and gave Amy another more convincing smile.</p><p>“But really, I need to get changed. I have to leave for the airport straight from here. I can manage the makeup. Are we done?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Amy said, as she took a step back. Her gaze on me lingering just a second too long. “Yeah we’re done.”</p><p>She turned to go out the door and I moved out of the chair to go get undressed.</p><p>“Oh! Hey, Caitriona–” Amy said, stopping halfway out the door. “Have you seen Sam? Wendy couldn’t seem to find him earlier.”</p><p>With my back still turned to her, I gripped the t-shirt I was holding and clenched my eyes shut.</p><p>“No.” My voice sounded weak, so I cleared my throat. “No, I haven’t seen him since that last scene. We both went different directions as soon as we finished.”</p><p>I took a deep breath in and turned around once again. Amy stood in place, giving me a small half smile.</p><p>“I’m sure he’s with Jamie or someone going over a last minute script note he didn’t want to forget about.”</p><p>“Okay, Caitriona. I’ll let her know.” She continued out the door. “Congratulations again. I hope your weekend is remarkable.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Picturing You Half Drunk Happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>Don't hate me, lol.</p>
  <p>And thank you to Princess Conseula Banana Hammock Balfe for her beta'ing. :-*</p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p> </p><p>It was nearly dark as I laced my trainers, double knotting them at the tongue. “Ha! You’re not the only one who runs marathons, bloody man,” I mumbled to myself as I put my earbuds in and started walking out to the street.</p><p> </p><p>I desperately needed to clear my head after Sam and I’s confrontation. Tony didn’t comment when I came home later than expected or notice my tear stained cheeks. After all, he was more than familiar with my ever changing mood swings, depending on the filming block we were on. I had tossed my things down after a brief hello and kiss on the cheek. Only to immediately dash back out with the excuse of needing an evening run to decompress. </p><p> </p><p>I opened my Spotify and hit play, allowing the last listened playlist my account was left on to continue. </p><p> </p><p>I settled into a light jog, breathing in the cool evening air. The familiar sound of one of my favorite bands began ringing through the small speakers; Chvrches. Memories instantaneously flooding my mind, like a supercut. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I gave up on time </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just like you said you would </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I turned the volume up, as if it would drown out the nagging voices in my head.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There are tiny cracks of light underneath me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And you say I got it wrong </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I slowed, as I approached Kelvingrove park. It was as if my subconscious had directed my feet where to go; which turns to make, what streets to cross. The next thing I knew I was standing in front of a fountain. I took a deep breath. My mind was completely triggered, spiraling back to a memory that I had repressed. </p><p> </p><p>“What the hell are you doing, Balfe?” A concerned look crossed his face and he raced towards me to grab my leg as I lost my balance.</p><p> </p><p>Sam and I were walking home together after a round (turned to multiple rounds) of whisky at the pub. It'd been a particularly long and brutal week of filming. The weather in Scotland not cooperating per usual and the only thing in the forest to prevent me from hypothermia was a large red-headed scot in a kilt and a room temperature thermal of coffee. Naturally, I had insisted that I could drink the crew under the table, and I did, but I also could hardly stand by the time the clock rounded 2am. </p><p> </p><p>I spotted a fountain in front of me and took off full speed, slipping out of Sam’s grip and climbing up on top of the ledge; nearly losing my balance in the process.</p><p> </p><p>I broke out in a fit of giggles, but he was unamused.</p><p> </p><p>“Balfe--”</p><p> </p><p>I started signing as loud as I could, waking the neighborhood no doubt.<br/>
<br/>
“ <em> I have somehow got </em></p><p>
  <em> Away with everything” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Oh god not this song again. It’s been on repeat all night woman!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Anything you ever did was strictly by design </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But you got it wrong” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He crossed his arms and dropped his head down, fighting a smirk.</p><p> </p><p>I put my hands on his shoulders and leaned in close to his face, wobbling backwards.</p><p> </p><p>Sam's hand snaked around my lower back, balancing me once again.</p><p> </p><p><em> “And I’ll go anywhere but there,” </em>I continued singing, letting giggles slip.</p><p> </p><p>In a quick scoop, his hands were on my waist and planting my feet on the ground in front of him. His hands stayed in place, keeping my balance, and now giggling himself. He leaned in closely and I felt all the baby hairs on body prickle. </p><p> </p><p>He whispered softly, “Ye know, you’re the only person I know that can beat a song to death like that and never tire of it?”</p><p> </p><p>He was so close and his whisky breath was warm on my cheek. He smelled like Jamie. Woodsy and unshowered. I didn’t mind it. I found it quite arousing if I was being honest. </p><p> </p><p>I must have had some stupid dreamy look on my face, because Sam pulled back and giggled.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh c’mon, don’t tell me that NOW i’ve offended ye? You’re singing has been offending me all night, but I’m still here watchin’ ye make a right fool of yerself laughing and--”</p><p> </p><p>I cut him short and put my mouth over his. They were warm and full and parted slightly, allowing me to slip my tongue inside. I ran my fingers up through his hair and kissed him deeper. </p><p> </p><p>I don’t know how much time passed as we continued. Tongues exploring, roaming, tasting, and breathing each other in. Sure, we had kissed on the show before, but this was different. This was something private. Something personal. Myself just Cait and he just Sam. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled back, nearly panicked, as if realizing he had made some horrible mistake. Searching my face for any kind of reaction for what just happened, I broke into an absolute fit of giggles.</p><p> </p><p>“Umm… Cait?” </p><p> </p><p>I was gasping for air, giggling, smiling and losing all control. I couldn’t help it. Did that really just happen? Jesus, Balfe what are you doing? </p><p> </p><p>“Come here, Heughan,” I said as I grabbed for his impossibly big hand, but as I moved towards him, I misstepped. </p><p> </p><p>Sam made a quick launch at me and caught me by the arm. Still laughing, I threw my head back, tears now rolling freely down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop giggling. Blame the whisky, I thought. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s get you home,” Sam said, rolling his eyes skyward.</p><p> </p><p>We walked back to my flat in silence, arm in arm. </p><p> </p><p>As we near the steps to my flat I reached into my handbag looking for me keys. Panic setting in as I  tore through all the pockets. Receipts flying and lip balm falling to the ground, I threw my hands in the air.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh bloody fucking hell,” I shouted, slamming my back against the front door and sliding myself down to the ground.</p><p> </p><p>“You left your keys in your trailer, didn’t ye?” Sam stated as he slid down next to me, a smug look on his face. </p><p> </p><p>I rolled my head towards him and stuck out my tongue.</p><p>“You, my lady, are in rare form tonight,” he huffed. </p><p> </p><p>“C’mon drunkie,” he said as he made to stand, “you’ll crash at my place.”</p><p> </p><p>In exactly 3 blocks and one left turn, we arrived at Sam’s. As he clicked the lock open I strolled in, kicking my flats off to the side. Pulling the hair-tye out to let my hair fall down my back.</p><p> </p><p>“Make yerself at home,” Sam said sarcastically as he flicked on the light. </p><p> </p><p>I turned around to look at him with a little twinkle in my eyes, feeling as bold as ever, and grabbed at the hem of my black t-shirt, lifting it over my head. When Sam had the nerve to look incredulous, I wadded it up and threw it at his head.</p><p> </p><p>“What? Nothing you haven’t seen before? I said in my best Claire accent, shrugging my shoulders as I stood there grinning.<br/>
<br/>
He dropped his head, shaking it side to side, and huffed out a laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Christ woman.”</p><p> </p><p>I turned to walk down the hall, unbuttoning my pants as I went. I stopped and gave Sam a look over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at him. He quirked an eyebrow and stood frozen, leaning against the entryway bannister and crossing arms, waiting to see what my next move would be. I kicked the skinny jeans off, or tried to anyway. The damn ankles were so tight I was stumbling everywhere. I slammed myself into his bedroom wall with a thump and he laughed again. </p><p> </p><p>“Want some help there?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, shut up,” I said.</p><p> </p><p>In 4 long, but quick strides he was standing in front of me. Without breaking eye contact, he dropped to his knees. Eye level with my black lace panties. He placed one large hand on the back of my thigh, lingering just a moment too long. I felt his thumb brush just under the curve of my ass and I shivered. Slowly he moved the hand down. Pausing at the back of my knee, he licked his lips, moving his eyes down to my panties, just for a brief moment, then looking back up as if he was searching for an answer to his question. I was barely holding myself together. My heart was racing and I didn’t have to ask what he was contemplating. A quick tug and I was freed from the last pant leg of my jeans.</p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward and brushed the stubbled on his chin along my inner thigh, agonizingly slow, until he met the crease of my panties at the top of my thigh. He paused for a moment, no doubt inhaling the scent of me. I could feel his shallow warm pants; his mouth so close to where I wanted it. </p><p> </p><p>I closed my eyes and threw my head back against the wall. I felt his nose running softly along the outer crease of my panties until his eyelashes were tickling the skin on my stomach. Now both of his hands were on the back of my thighs, moving up, up, up, until he gripped my ass hard. I let out a desperate moan, unable to control myself any longer. Followed by another giggle.</p><p> </p><p>I felt his lips turn up in a smile as they brushed over my hip bone. </p><p> </p><p>“Want it, do ye?” He whispered into my skin. </p><p> </p><p>I stood still, concentrating on the feel of him everywhere.</p><p> </p><p>The scruff of his beard was tortue. His nose and lips continued to hover over my skin, traveling to the other hip bone. He planted his lips, slightly parting them to swirl his tongue around, suck, and bite. I felt his hand move to the crease of my ass and his fingertips followed the lacy trim down and under to the slight, wet, divit. He pushed in and looked up to watch my face contort with pleasure. I opened my mouth in a silent scream. </p><p> </p><p>He let out a growl. </p><p> </p><p>Opening my eyes and looking down at him, I reached for the top of his head and ran my fingers through his curls. I gripped his hair hard and centered him over me. He knew what I was asking and judging by the lust filled look in his eyes, I wasn’t going to be denied. He put his wet hot mouth over my center and sucked hard. I gasped and threw my head back once more, digging my nails into the wall, searching for purchase on anything that could anchor me back down to earth and reign in my arousal.</p><p> </p><p>A shrill ring startled us both out of the moment. I hated that fucking ringtone but it was assigned to production and I knew if I heard it , it was someone important. </p><p> </p><p>The moment was over. Sam stood up, running a hand over his face and mouth before stepping away, as if embarrassed for being so caught up in the moment. I gave him an awkward half smile.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s–” </p><p> </p><p>He extended an arm, giving me a smile, and turned towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. </p><p> </p><p>“Hello?” I answered.</p><p> </p><p>“Great, you’re <em> alive </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” I held the phone back and looked at the caller ID. Oh, Maril.</p><p> </p><p>“Caitriona. You cannot walk out of the bar alone at 2am hardly standing up straight! You haven’t responded to any of my texts so I wanted to make sure you weren’t dead on the streets of Glasgow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nice Maril,” I said, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you for checking on me.”</p><p> </p><p>“No problem. Stay safe and have a nice weekend! Oh! And tell Sam to behave.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why would I–”</p><p> </p><p>“Night, Caitriona!”</p><p> </p><p>I dropped my phone into my purse on the ground and threw myself on the couch dramatically. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to lean forward and hold my head in my hands. Oh god, why was everything suddenly spinning? I tried laying down on the couch, one leg still planted on the floor as if it could anchor me, and one arm thrown over my eyes. </p><p> </p><p>My last thought before drifting off was wondering which part of the night I would regret the most.</p><p> </p>
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